It's Hard to Be Alone
The Benefits of Alone Time
Do you enjoy spending time with yourself? Chances are if you don’t, it will take a toll on you – and your relationships. Enjoying time alone is a practice you can cultivate. Stay with me and we’ll have a chat about it.
I remember my brother (whom I view as being one of the strongest people I know) being shocked when I took a solo trip through many European countries.
It surprised me, as I thought nothing of it. It made me realize we really are different in our tolerance levels for alone time.
For the purposes of this blog, alone time is viewed from the perspective of a healthy ability to enjoy our own company. It is neither an inability to interact with others or something we avoid because we feel anxious when by ourselves.
A Sign of Mental Health
We are all different and that is what makes life interesting. Diversity makes the world go round. Some people love spending time alone, others can barely tolerate it and climb the walls when faced with a day or evening solo.
Part of this is related to our basic “type”, how we tend to function in the world. There are different styles of being, and one is not in itself more healthy than the other.
You can learn more about typologies and styles by studying Myers-Briggs, the Enneagram, or Astrology. Studying about types can be a great tool for self-exploration and to understand more about yourself. It can be fun and enlightening!
A Void Inside – It’s Hard To Be Alone
While there is no “right” or “wrong” in this, it is my belief that being able to spend time alone and enjoy your own company is a sign of mental health. It reflects a strong inner core and a good sense of self-esteem.
If you do not experience a strong sense of self, a solid core inside (a belief that you can maneuver through life effectively), you can easily feel as if you are on the ocean, in an inadequate boat, in the midst of a storm. You need reassurance and the comfort of others to help provide a sense of grounding and well-being.
While most of us want occasional reassurance, life is ever so much more enjoyable when you know how to self-soothe and provide your own sense of comfort.
Self-soothing involves being able to talk with your self in a manner that is reassuring and calming. An example might be: “I know I am feeling scared right now, but I’ll be okay. I’ve experienced this feeling before and I survived it. I think I’ll take a warm bath and listen to beautiful music.”
If you feel “empty” inside, it is difficult to be alone, maybe even excruciating. Self-soothing can be a great tool to begin to deal with these feelings.
“Abandonment” Issues
Since we are separate beings and yet relationally oriented, it seems that all relationships deal with the dance between abandonment and engulfment, consciously or not. We want to be close, but we also have a strong desire to maintain our individual identity.
Early life events are significant relative to how we bond with others. A whole school of thought has developed around Attachment Styles, how we attach with others based upon what we experienced in childhood.
I have always said children are abandoned, adults are left. Yet, if you have experienced trauma early in life, you may have an irrational fear of being left as an adult.
As you can imagine, this may bring up feelings of anxiety when being left alone. Simple things can trigger this anxiety, such as someone you are dating not calling as soon as you would like, or a partner wanting to spend time with friends.
If you experience these feelings, it will probably be embarrassing to admit it and you may avoid facing these feelings and instead show irritation when the other person isn’t doing what you want – that is, attending to you!
The thing is, another person can never fill the void inside of you.
Engulfment Issues
As with most things, there is an “opposite” side of the coin. Some individuals feel smothered with together time and feel a need to “escape”, to get away from their significant other.
This person may avoid relationship all together, and at the extreme, spend most of their time alone. As you may guess, this signifies a different “attachment style” from the individual with “abandonment” issues.
Most of us do not realize that this reaction is anxiety driven and “irrational” as well. The person may seem “cold”, when actually they are anxious and suffer too.
In such cases, spending time alone becomes a defense mechanism.
Are We Just Masochists?
Oddly, you may have noticed that the above two styles tend to get together – the person fearful of abandonment gets together with the individual who needs a tremendous amount of “space”.
This phenomenon seems to occur with other traits and characteristics as well. If you figure it out, please do let me know!
Let’s Get Back To Center
Healthy relating involves a balance between these two polarities (abandonment-engulfment). As I mentioned, it appears to be common to the human condition: we are in separate bodies and yet we seek relationship.
It is a dance we learn to dance as we explore the tension between these polarities.
How-To Cultivate Alone Time
1) Seek Therapy: If you feel extremely anxious when faced with being alone, it may help to seek therapy to work through some of these feelings.
You will know therapy is a good alternative if your response to a situation is “over the top” (i.e. irrational) considering the event that prompts your response.
For example, your partner wants to spend time with friends on occasion and they are basically trustworthy and you cannot tolerate the thought of it. Or, your friends are unavailable to go out and you cannot imagine doing anything by yourself.
2) Involve Yourself In A Spiritual Practice: Yoga or meditation can be very beneficial in helping you be in touch with your own inner strength and connection. It also tends to have a very calming effect.
3) Find Things You Love and Do Them: Explore new things. Enjoy nature. Treat yourself to a massage. Visit a new restaurant. Get into bicycling. Go to a movie. Read. Dance. Play music. Turn off the television!
Adult Functioning
Alone time is important regardless of whether you are in a romantic relationship.
Learning how to function as an adult means taking responsibility for the feelings that arise and embracing ourselves. It also involves owning where we are and taking actions to grow – at least sometimes.
Often we criticize ourselves for how we feel. This goes nowhere except down.
I love this analogy: If you came upon a child who was hiding in a closet afraid, would you say come on out of there you little brat? Or would you soothe the child? Soothe yourself when you are fearful.
I’d love to hear from you regarding your alone time experiences! Is it easy for you to be alone? Challenging? What have you done to stretch yourself in this regard?
In the meantime, be well, and may you experience the best relationships ever!
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I love being alone because this is the best time for me to think and to revive my life energy. I had one relationship after which I just wanted to be alone for a loooong time (most of us probably had those types of relationships in life
))
Now I have a family and being alone is like giving myself a precious gift of “me” time. I am happy with my loved ones but I am also happy being away from them for a little while. I think that we always need balance between alone and together time in life to maintain our mental health and healthy relationships.
Anastasiya´s last blog ..A Chilled-Out Plan to Stop Being Over-Productive
Anastasiya,
How nice to hear from you – I was just about to breeze over to your blog when I saw this! I’m going to take a peek right now!
Yepper, I can attest that I have been there. Relationships are so significant that they really do impact our energy levels and how we feel. That is why I choose carefully who I want to spend time with.
Thank you for your comment. I, too, feel that alone time revives me. It does require a commitment when we live with family. Both are so wonderful.
Dr. Lauren Sierra Thomas´s last blog ..7 Tips For Choosing A Therapist: It’s Like Finding A Good Mechanic!
Hi Lauren,
Thanks for the post!
I completely agree that balance in this area is so important. While as you said, some people are more introverted or extroverted, I think it is most healthy to have a combination of time alone and time with others.
I’m probably comfortable being alone more than average, but I really love spending time with the right people (i.e. positive, fun, uplifting, etc. people). I do notice if I spend too much time alone or too much time with other people, I sort of feel out of balance.
I meditate every day and find that it helps me be even more comfortable being alone. Meditation makes me feel that I am completely loved, whole, and accepted all on my own. I don’t need to look to outside sources for validation. However, outside relationships enhance my life greatly.
Unfortunately, I think people who have a difficult time being alone just might go nuts if they tried to meditate. Or maybe if they can just relax enough, it might be just what they need.
Greg Blencoe´s last blog ..An annoying dog and gratitude
Hi Lauren,
I’m really happy that you wrote this post! As an introvert, it took me a while to accept my need for alone time. Even though I enjoy being social with friends, I still need time afterwards to “recharge”. It also took me a while to feel comfortable and confident enough to decline hanging out with friends and to tell them that it’s because I need alone time.
Like Greg, I found that meditating helped me to better enjoy my alone time. Meditation is perhaps one of the hardest things I have learned. Sitting with one’s self for prolonged periods of time is surprisingly hard!
Great thoughts Lauren. Thank you again for writing this!
Take care,
Ben
Ben Weston´s last blog ..The Definitive Guide to Attracting Relationships with the Law of Attraction
Hey Greg,
Nice to hear from you. Yes, if people have a hard time being alone it does seem meditation may be challenging at first. Yoga is a great option because it can be a bit more active. Dancing is great too!
Lauren´s last blog ..7 Tips For Choosing A Therapist: It’s Like Finding A Good Mechanic!
Hi Ben,
How’s it going?
I remember going on a silent meditation retreat at age 18 and I thought I was going to come out of my skin! The one great part was that one of the facilitators was joyful and laughing all the time. I loved that! Everyone else seemed so somber and serious.
You bring up an interesting point – in our culture many people don’t understand the need for alone time.
A woman I know spends a lot of time in Africa with a particular tribe and has for at least 15 years. Interestingly, her friends in the tribe are truly puzzled and intrigued by her need to spend any time alone.
It all is perspective, is it not?
Lauren´s last blog ..7 Tips For Choosing A Therapist: It’s Like Finding A Good Mechanic!
The thought of being alone terrifies most of us.
It seems we have an inbuilt need to be part of something (a group, an organisation, a team, a tribe, a religion, a family, a gang) or someone else. We have an overwhelming urge to be loved, needed, wanted, valued, desired and appreciated. To belong.
Without being attached to someone or something many of us feel incomplete. Invisible. Less valuable. Less worthy. Confronted with the possibility of being alone, many people will do strange, desperate, irrational, embarrassing and even dangerous things. We fear isolation; social, emotional, psychological and physical isolation. We crave to touch and be touched; both literally and metaphorically.
Before a baby can understand anything, it understands and craves touch. It also understands isolation. We carry that into adulthood.
I don’t believe we’re built to be alone; to live an indefinite life of isolation. We’re not particularly good at it. And it’s not always healthy for us. Having said that, I also know that periods of isolation can be an integral and valuable part of our personal growth journey; life changing even. While we don’t want to live a life apart (understandably), being constantly attached to someone or something (I am not necessarily talking about a romantic relationship here) is also unhealthy and potentially destructive over the long term.
Motivational Speaker – Craig Harper´s last blog ..The Most Powerful Drug: Belief
Dear Craig,
You reveal the state of being human in such a profound manner. Thank you for adding to the conversation and our understanding of our social nature. Indeed, we do need others!
It does seem very few seek isolation – at least for healthy reasons. Yet, it is remarkable to me how many have a very difficult time spending an hour or an evening alone due to the tremendous anxiety that arises.
Nice to see you.
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..7 Tips For Choosing A Therapist: It’s Like Finding A Good Mechanic!
Thank you for writing about this! There’s a lot of literature about being your own boss and starting your own company but not nearly enough about the importance of liking alone time, a huge prerequisite of creating your own business or carving your own path.
I love spending time alone but I also love being around people. The work that I do entails attending events which is great because I get to be around diverse groups of inspired and passionate people who so deeply believe in their respective causes. But there are times when I crave alone time and have to be creative about how I get it. So, I’ll do things like park more blocks away than necessary from where a function is taking place or listen to a Joni Mitchell cd while I’m driving, or even drive in silence. It’s restorative and even just a few minutes can really pull me back to a place of balance.
Hey Belinda,
I love the thought of you cruising to Joni Mitchell – takes me back to the days! I still love her.
Driving can really be a relaxing way to have alone time. I love taking long road trips. You make a good point, though. We can find creative ways to have brief times to ourselves.
I, too, love being around passionate people doing what they love and believe in. Just left a David Wolfe conference and will return all weekend. It is so uplifting to be around others who are doing what they love with passion!
Have a great weekend.
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..Controlling Others: Not A Strategy That Makes For The Best Relationships Ever
Lauren, another inspiring post. Yes, I very much enjoy my own company, which is considered unusual, perhaps even suspect, in Japan! But here I am going on again about Japanese society when I really just want to thank you, especially for your pointers on “how-to cultivate alone time.”
Modern society is so outward-pulling that many people from a very young age begin experiencing an intolerance for alone time and their own company. And then, of course, they learn the false feelings of emptiness and abandonment that can never lead them to fulfillment or a true relationship, either with themselves, or with others.
From Japan, hello – Catrien Ross.
Catrien Ross´s last blog ..Catrien Ross on Stretching Your Potential Through the Real Power of Intention to Direct Your Energy Flow
hi lauren
how are you?
i personally enjoy my me time and it’s not for not selfish reasons, because it involves me taking time out to think, reflect, plan ahead, boost my emotions….
put it this way, if you are not refreshed internally or is worn out completely, how do you want to connect constructively with external issues/factors or people(this is just my train of thought)
one more thing it empowers me with the ability to take certain steps after weighing the pros and cons during the ‘alone time’
enjoy the rest of your weekend
ayo´s last blog ..Personal Development Roadblocks
Hi Ayo
Nice to hear from you. Yes, I too find it refreshing to have time to reflect and weigh things. I also just like alone time to enjoy myself by myself.
I think it’s a great indicator of mental health when someone is able to enjoy their own company. Glad to hear you can!
Be well!
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..Controlling Others: Not A Strategy That Makes For The Best Relationships Ever
Hey Lauren,
That was simply a wonderful piece of write up…the topic is truly thought provoking and I think it is a necessity for everyone to dig out sometime to be alone, for a regeneration-mental and physical, for rethinking/revising life’s strategies, aims etc. Also, I personally consider that being alone for a while would help in maintaining an healthy relationship with ourselves and the world around us!!
Cheers!
Dear Catrien,
I love to hear your insights about Japan. I think it is very helpful to experience other cultures.
Your comment about the outward pulling of society is fascinating.
One of my best friends in high school was the person who taught me to appreciate alone time. She was great at doing things alone.
Due to her influence, I started enjoying alone time around my senior year of high school. Throughout my life I have traveled alone, dined alone, hiked alone, and participated in all kinds of activities alone.
While I love my time with friends tremendously, I equally enjoy my alone time. I feel grateful to my wonderful friend, Angela, who passed this last year. She taught me so much.
Always good to hear from you and hope life your way is lovely.
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..Controlling Others: Not A Strategy That Makes For The Best Relationships Ever
Anju,
Welcome! Thank you for visiting and adding your insight. I like your observation that alone time helps us in our relationships and our lives.
I think it gives us a chance to connect with nature and the earth too. Also, it allows us to reflect and cultivate our inner life. We can then bring this enriched life to others and our world.
Beautiful things emerge from reflection and rejuvenation. Life is good!
I hope to hear from you again!
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..Controlling Others: Not A Strategy That Makes For The Best Relationships Ever
I read your comments with such sadness and recognition. I am an adult who is overwhelmed by a sense of aloneness and struggles to put a structure on alone time. The route of my struggle is that I have no internal anchor or wise voice to guide me and although I am beginning to recognise why I feel this (growing up in an invalidating enviornment) I am just overwhelmed by how to dig my way back. I know that getting through anxious panicky feelings is the first step and I am trying not to call friends if I am very depressed but to see if I can let them pass. But finding others who feel the same I think makes a big difference because I feel so stupid and paralysed by anxiety. Because I feel that nothing is worth while anymore trying new things just reminds me over and over of how empty my life and meaningless.
Dear One,
The nature of anxiety is that it feels paralyzing. It is so difficult for a person overwhelmed by anxiety. Although it is not life-threatening, it can certainly feel like it.
First, it takes tremendous courage to be open about our anxieties. You just did that. Most importantly, it is important to have support. Isolating is not what you want to do. That is different from nourishing alone time.
Call on your friends. What can really help – and I would recommend this – is join a support group. It can be very healing to recognize that there are others who suffer with anxiety. You are far from stupid.
When we become overwhelmed by anxiety, it is not something we can simply talk ourselves out of, especially without training.
Last, if you feel paralyzed to the point where you are limiting your life experiences and if you feel “nothing is worthwhile, I would suggest you consider seeing someone about medication and combine this with therapy.
Depression can create a sense that you are in a dark pit that you cannot crawl out of. It is not true. You can. But it begins to feel as if you can’t.
Let me know from time to time how you are doing with it all. And don’t be disheartened. There is help available and you can feel better.
Thanks for visiting!
Lauren
There is medication that helps tremendously with anxiety and depression. It can get you over the hump while you receive therapy.
Dr. Lauren Sierra Thomas´s last blog ..Can You Think Outside the Box?
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Thanks for visiting and best wishes on your site.
I’ll be sure to take a look.
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..The Truth Of A Lie
im young (19) and just ended a 3 yr relationship. I am just starting to discover myself. I have only just realised that dont enjoy alone time as much as i should. You have no idea how much you thoughts help. I have been down a bit lately but your words inspire me to work on myself. I dont even like grocery shopping alone :S
but ive started walking my dog (close to being alone) and ive also picked up reading which i havent done since school.
Hi 19,
I’m so happy to hear from you. It’s so normal to be where you are – we aren’t taught to spend alone time in our culture. I was fortunate to have a good friend at the end of high school who taught me by example – she’d go to cafes, etc. by herself and I came to enjoy it early on.
Sounds like you’re coming along just fine – it’s hard at first but gets easier over time and you may find yourself actually enjoying your own company.
Walking your dog is a great way to get out there on your own and reading is wonderful.
I wish you the best and hope you come back and visit often.
Warm regards,
Lauren
Hello lauren
After researching alone time on the internet I stumbled across this blog which is very interesting and does have some good points.
The reason for my stumbling was my partners annoyance with me, in her eyes not spending time alone, as she perceives it when the an I have the chance 2 e.g. when she goes away or if she goes on a night out with her friends, to spend time alone I don’t.
I used 2 spend lots of spend time later on at night watching a film playing some games and just “chill” by myself now I am working and finished uni I find myself doing this more infrequently now but still enjoy it none the less.
I admit I don’t pro active think “oh I have nothing else to do now so I might spend tonight by my self” I like being round other people and am defiantly an extrovert but I have asked so many times why she gets annoyed at me not staying in, it even annoys when I invite a few of my mates around for drinks and a movie in when ever she goes out but she doesn’t know why it annoys her. It can’t just be that she enjoys spending time alone and I don’t so she can’t understand it if you had an angel on this…..
Ie there anything wrong with not needing 2 spend time alone unless u have 2?
Thanks
Joe
Dear Joe,
Forgive my tardy response – I’ve been working on other projects and just got back to this site.
You bring up very interesting points in your response. Most importantly, it’s not up to anyone to decide for us how much time we do or don’t spend alone.
Although I don’t know your situation completely, at first glance it sounds like a CONTROL issue. Perhaps your girlfriend feels threatened by your spending time with the guys, etc… In any event, we all have our preferences and tolerance level re: alone time. I don’t think there’s any right or wrong. Every person is different in this regard. To me, the main consideration is whether we feel comfortable enough in our own skin to be able to spend alone time without tremendous anxiety arising.
If alone time creates a strong sense of anxiety it is important to address that if we want to have a full life that is not limited. We will never be able to fill every moment with having access to someone to be with.
I really enjoyed your sharing your situation and your thoughts on this topic.
Nice to hear from you.
Lauren
Fear Grips me real bad when I am alone I don’t know how to handle it. I feel like I am losing it sometimes when I am alone, cause I haven’t learned how to enjoy my own company yet. I know I need help in this area. This Article was very helpful.
Thank you for your courage in addressing how you feel when alone. I would recommend getting therapy to work through these issues as fear is uncomfortable and prevents you from living a joyful life. Help is available.
I’m glad you wrote and best wishes to you.
Lauren
Very interesting and enlightening post. I am one of those people who really dislikes being alone, yet I also crave it to some extent. I am somewhat isolated at the moment as I am a single parent with a young baby, so I have had to spend more time alone now than I have ever done and I have found it really difficult, also without having the social interaction of work. I seem to be ever so sensitive nowadays also, even more than I used to be, about friends answering my calls etc. and being included in plans. When you talk of the anxious feelings associated with abandonment and engulfment within realationships, I am someone who suffers with BOTH. Lucky me, not, haha. What are you to do when you crave to be close and fear abandonment but also fear spending too much time with a partner and feeling totally engulfed? In one relationship, I had a very strong reaction to feeling ENGULFED. It literally felt like I was running away from a murderer, very odd! I just want to feel at ease with who I am and be able to spend time alone and with others also.
You make such great points about the experience of both abandonment and engulfment. I believe most people can move toward either end of the spectrum to some degree. Ironically, when one person in a relationship moves to one side, the other moves to the other side. They can then switch.
I empathize with your feelings relative to your new situation of having a baby. It seems totally normal that feelings would come up about feeling more excluded and wanted to remain in your circle of friends. This can happen when someone enters a relationship or has a baby. You can become more isolated. We are social creatures and you need your friend time. I hope you can find a way to make that happen.
Regarding your abandonment-engulfment experiences, join the crowd! NORMAL. If it becomes extreme, though, therapy can help.
P.S. Maybe you ran away because you sensed something with the person you left was frightening. It’s good to follow your “gut” instinct. NEVER go against this.
Warm regards,
Lauren