It is impossible not to notice this tremendous wave of positivity that has swept our culture. And so interesting that this is occurring almost simultaneously with the economic downturn in our country. This blog is NOT about the economy, just an interesting side note.
Everywhere I look – on blogs, twitter, Facebook, I see a remarkable array of positive vibes going on. Think positive, life is beautiful, you get the drift. There is so much encouragement to forge our reality by attending to our belief systems. To look on the bright side. To be aware of how we create our lives by how we think and respond.
And it is a wonderful place to focus. My perspective lies very much along these lines as well.
There is one little caveat I’d like to throw in, though, just to stir things up a teenie little bit.
Putting On The Happy Face Lacks Authenticity
It can be very tempting to put on a happy face when you don’t really feel happy. In fact, you may feel pressured to. I advise against it. This does not help you to have the best relationship with yourself or with others. Why? Because it is not real or authentic and it doesn’t heal the hurt. Burying an emotion and pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away. It’s only taking a nap! Trust me on this.
I love an analogy by Abraham-Hicks that is about the fact that putting a happy sticker on an empty gas gauge doesn’t mean you have gas in your tank. You could pretend you had gas, but we all know where that would end up, don’t we? Sitting along the road thinking what the hell was I thinking?
We Live In A Remarkable Time of Transformation
I love more than I can express the remarkable tools we have to transform our lives. We have more access than ever to information that can be of benefit both for our personal lives and our relationships. We are living in an exciting time! A time that does offer tremendous opportunity for personal transformation.
Yet, as I see all this, and write myself about the opportunity to transform by being more fully aware, I see a potential pitfall.
Sometimes We Feel Oh So Sad
You may become embarrassed to admit that you are human! If “everyone” is feeling so positive all the time and this has become almost an EXPECTATION, where do you go with your pain when you feel oh so sad, or mad, or anxious?
Well, hopefully you go to your wonderful, supportive friends. Or, if need be, to a professional. But are you allowed to speak it out loud? I hope so!
Everyone has bad hair days or painful time periods in their lives, times of loss, regardless of how “evolved” we are. Embracement of where we are in any moment allows for the fullness of who we are to be present. It allows us to live in technicolor rather than grays!
You become willing to sit with and examine these moments or times. Embracing the moment means that we remain real with both ourselves and others. In this willingness, a space is created for magic to happen. Healing is the magic. Relationships deepen.
I’ve been in the denial space plenty of times, that place of not wanting to admit that I’m really not feeling quite as cheery or together as I’d like to be.
My observation, though, is that embracing what is real in the moment creates an opportunity for a sense of internal wholeness and peace. Your relationships, both to yourself and others, become more satisfying. Everything seems to fall into place. You find yourself in the groove, the “zone” as they say. Life itself becomes groovy!
You may be afraid that if you really allowed yourself to feel your feelings you would end up in a bottomless pit or in the loony bin. It is not so. Our fears are worse than the reality. In fact, it is cleansing and freeing to allow yourself to have your feelings.
Balance
Balance is where it’s at, my pretties!
I remember an encounter I had 20 years ago that really struck me regarding this topic. A man and his lovely wife attended a very “positive thinking” church in a town where I lived. The wife had cancer and she was a wonderful person. One day I learned the wife had died. I saw him a few days later and said, “How are you doing”? He replied “It’s a beautiful day in (the name of the town)…”, in a perky manner.
Yet, as I looked at his countenance I could see the utter devastation and pain he was feeling. It seemed as if he was ready to burst. I felt saddened to see that he did not feel it was acceptable to be real with what was true for him in that moment.
I don’t mean just with me. That would have been understandable. I mean, I feel he had adopted a belief system that he felt didn’t “allow” for these feelings to be expressed – or perhaps even felt.
We Can Come Back To A Wonderful Feeling Landing Place
We can come back to a place of feeling wonderful, over and over again. Perhaps this is because the thread underlying being human on this earth appears to be LOVE. How amazing is that! (See, I can’t stay away for long. It is all just so magnificent!).
At times, though, we need to sit with our pain, grief, and disappointment.
As Kahil Gibran said:
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
This is representative of the ebb and flow of life. A reminder that we cannot control everything, although we can play with how we interact with our world and participate in co-creating our life experiences.
If you are willing to sit with your so-called negative emotions, you do not need to carry them with you into our future. You can largely release them and feel more FREE. Free to move forward into joyfulness.
Burying an emotion does not heal it. You can, though, learn tools to move through the process and bring yourself to an experience of greater joy in your moments. It is a fantastic thing to experience. Often, you may experience the sense of a tremendous burden lifting, simply from being present with a feeling and letting it be.
If these words speak to you, I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences in dealing with your less than oh so pretty emotions.
In the meantime, be well, and may you experience great love for yourself!
Photo by Nationaal Archief
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Lauren, you have hit upon a great topic here on where to go, inside yourself, for pain to be released.
The story about the man not mourning for his wife is so sad. That sadness would have manifested itself in other ways and could even possibly lead to a deep depression which is being masked with a smiling face. I loved the quote you gave from Abraham: putting a happy sticker on an empty gas gauge doesn’t mean you have gas in your tank.
Everything in life needs to be balanced, as you said, and releasing and embracing sadness is the way to stay balanced.
Steven Aitchison´s last blog ..What is Your Perfect Day?
hi lauren,
Thanks for sharing this.
your post takes a sharp nudge into the schools of thought on positive thinking(my opinion’s divided particularly when we throw common sense and being realistic out of the window).
it also brings a balance to optimism and happiness.(i’m not in support of being overtly optimistic, rather we should moderately optimisitic but who knows, i could be wrong)
there will be times we go through difficult experiences as you’ve rightly mentioned and in your words ‘Embracement of where we are in any moment allows for the fullness of who we are to be present. It allows us to live in technicolor rather than grays!
take care and enjoy the rest of the day.
ayo´s last blog ..40 Benefits Of Happiness
Hi Steve,
Great to see you! Thank you for your insights. I can tell by the quality of your website that you address these things from a perspective of depth and understanding.
Yes, I love that Abe quote too!
Be well, and here’s to balance.
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..My God Dances
Hi my friend Ayo,
I appreciate your BALANCED perspective!
I’m all for joyous revelry…
I think it has it’s place. I’m even believe we can become overall more and more ecstatic and joyfilled. I know I have moved in that direction.
Yet, it’s that ebb and flow. Life occurs and I think it’s healthy to acknowledge that when we are willing to go with that flow it makes for a better ride than when we resist the flow.
Always nice to have you visit, Ayo, and hope your week has been a good one.
Warm regards,
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..My God Dances
Hi Lauren!
You made a lot of great points in the post. One that really stood out was how people might feel pressured to be happy! There is a lot of truth to this. And like Steve, I really like the Abraham quote.
One of my favorite sayings is that a strength used to excess can become a weakness. And I would definitely agree that using positivity as a mask is a big problem.
I believe there is way too much negative thinking in society. However, perhaps the group leading the movement toward positivity is going a little too far by overcompensating.
You mentioned that balance is the key and I think that is exactly right. I would define the right balance as generally being positive, but also addressing negative emotions quickly. The problem is when people stay in negativity for a long time without doing anything about it. This can be a cycle that never ends.
By the way, thanks for the article suggestion the other day!
Greg Blencoe´s last blog ..Cardinals and always, always, always follow your heart
Hi Greg,
Once again you come along with some great insight!
I love the quote that “a strength used to excess can become a weakness.
Also, research has indicated that most of a person’s thoughts throughout the day are negative, as I’m sure you know.
That is where the beauty of a program like Abe or Caroline Myss’ Why People Don’t Heal (people speak from the language of woundology). We get to re-train ourselves.
I know that my life has changed dramatically as a result of programs like those I mention above. Just as there is pressure to not show negative emotions, we get a lot of goodies for commiserating with others on a regular basis.
Balance is key and I like to lean toward the appreciation side of the equation as much as possible.
Thanks for your insights!
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..My God Dances
Hi Lauren,
I just clicked over from Belinda’s site; I’ve seen your smiling face there and have been meaning to make a visit. I’m glad I did today. I find a constant blast of positivity to be almost as draining as a constant blast of negativity. And this really resonated with me when you write about feelings: “But are you allowed to speak it out loud?” In my work I often find that, no, people don’t feel they can speak it out loud. I just had this conversation with a client yesterday. Our friends and family often don’t want to be with our pain and vulnerability. Because that might mean they have to show theirs too! Very scary, for a society built on stoicism and pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. So, I’m thinking, no wonder we look to positivity as a panacea.
That said, I do think there are times in our lives that require healthy denial, just to get through the day. But to me that’s different from the ever-present wave of positivity.
Well, I’m rambling now, but I’m thinking of a poem you might like – “Guest House.” Maybe you know it? It’s by Rumi. I had it on my blog some time ago. Here’s a link: http://wp.me/ppUtZ-60
Nice to meet you, Lauren, and thanks for the insightful post!
Patty – Why Not Start Now?´s last blog ..The Art of Friendship
Hey Lauren,
I’m both happy and somewhat annoyed that you wrote this. I’m happy in that this is something that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. And I’m somewhat annoyed in that I was about to write this very post! =)
Annoyances aside, I find that this is something that plagues the self-help industry and gives it a bad name. With all of this talk of positive thinking, I find people masking their genuine feelings and eventually doing more harm than good by burying their emotions.
On the flip side, like you mentioned, most people’s thoughts throughout the day are rather negative. Resources such as Abe and Louise Hay are wonderful in that they begin to shift people’s mindsets into a more positive direction.
The balance I’ve found has been to appreciate and be grateful for what I currently have but allow myself to go through negative emotions when they are there. I let them take their natural course knowing that they shall pass.
Wonderful insights as per usual Lauren!
Take care,
Ben
Ben Weston´s last blog ..My Greatest Law of Attraction Success
Hi Ben,
I’m laughing as I read your post because I find a serendipity with your posts sometimes too. It’s like, oh wow, I was JUST thinking about this. I find this with some of the others in the “inner circle” too.
It is so wonderful to have people like yourself to interact with. I really enjoy your posts. I’d love to see yours on this topic!
Always nice to see you Ben!
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..My God Dances
Hi Lauren, this was an important article and I feel your point is extremely well made. I hope that your emphasis on balance does not get overlooked. In all aspects of life balance is the key.
Every emotion has its place and they all have value. Some of our greatest self-discovery and motivation can come from our darkest experiences. Knowing that can help us view those seemingly negative experiences in a positive light. Not because we enjoyed going through them, but because they contributed value to our lives.
Jonathan – Advanced Life Skills´s last blog ..Allow Gratitude to Transform Your Life
Patty,
So nice to see you! I love Belinda’s site and glad you stopped by. I enjoyed your comments.
Yes, isn’t it interesting how we become so afraid of our feelings and try so hard to avoid the painful? I guess it’s natural that happy feels better than sad. Yet, unless someone is acting out rage, feelings don’t harm us, they guide us.
I think you are right, sometimes denial gets us through. If we eventually come out of that denial, great. Often people get stuck in denial, ouchie.
I can’t wait to read the Rumi poem – I love Rumi.
Looking forward to checking out your site!
Warm regards,
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..My God Dances
Hi Jonathon,
Your point is so important that our so-called “negative” experiences are grist for the mill. We deepen and become more whole as a person, I feel.
The darkness makes the light that much brighter. I also feel it cultivates compassion.
Thanks for your contribution and for stopping by to visit.
Be well,
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..My God Dances
Hello Lauren,
You have written a wonderful article here. “Burning the emotion does not heal it”. We need to let the feelings out and move on. If we burn the emotion it will sooner or later become volcano and when that bursts…it will be very unhealthy.
Bye for now,
Cheryl
Cheryl Paris´s last blog ..How To Be Influential in 5 Super Simple Steps
Hi Cheryl,
So true. What could have been easily dealt with becomes much larger when we repress it. Repressing our emotions ALWAYS comes at a price. At times, though, it may temporarily help us get through something that is too overwhelming for us to handle at the time.
Thanks for your comments, Cheryl.
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..Do You Hold The Well-Being Of Your Beloved Close To Your Heart?
Lauren, I was delighted to read your thoughtful and helpful post because I was beginning to wonder: Is it just me or are many personal development blogs rather harmful in the constant focus of moving on, finding good in terrible things which happen, and so on. The question of authenticity versus the pressure to put on a happy face is such a significant matter and so little discussed.
By the way, I wonder whether you see any difference in the pressure put on men to not show “negative” emotions as compared to women. I read years ago about a couple whose son was killed in an accident, and people gave the mother a long time to grieve but expected the father to “move on” almost immediately. I’d be really interested in your observations about this.
Madeleine Kolb´s last blog ..7 Reasons You Should Monitor Your Blood Pressure
Dear Madeleine,
It’s so nice to read your thoughtful comments and ponderings.
My observation is that we allow little time in our culture for either sex to grieve. If one loses a spouse of 35+ years there is almost an expectation that the person be “over it” within a few months.
The loss of a child is the most profound loss one can experience so perhaps we will be a bit more generous in what is considered acceptable.
I believe it is accurate what you point out that men are expected to grieve less and feel less in general. Men, I think are in a very challenging position. They are now expected to “get in touch with their feelings” and yet not too much because they still need to take on a “manly” role which means be the “strong” one.
I would love to hear from men regarding the pressure they may feel in this regard. I’m glad you brought this up because I feel it is very significant.
It’s great to have you and thanks for your insights.
Regards,
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..Do You Hold The Well-Being Of Your Beloved Close To Your Heart?
Hi again, Lauren,
This is such an important post that I wish everyone would read. At the risk of sounding like a Debbie Downer, there is much faux positivity out there that seems to have taken off in different directions.
Pretending to be happy/positive doesn’t help anyone. And this may be news to the pretender but it’s not fooling anyone either unless they’re an Academy award winning actor. Seriously, though, I’ve seen so many people not acknowledge their melancholy. Why? Whatever happened to feeling our feelings fully? I think this is the best way to get through a rough patch. Acknowledge it. Be one with it. Don’t deny it. I’m not saying make it your life, oh no. But any other way of dealing with it poses the risk of further troubles, I think at least.
Thanks for a sound take on positivity.
Hi Belinda,
And thank you for your refreshing honesty about this topic. It’s almost as if “positivity” has become the latest “exercise” craze!
Always good to see you!
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..Do You Hold The Well-Being Of Your Beloved Close To Your Heart?
Great post. We see so much fake chirpiness around us that it can be difficult to acknowledge that pain and sadness are natural, normal and come to all of us from time to time. It’s like being a fat girl in a world of Vogue models, we lose touch with our own ‘normality’. And this disconnect is more harmful to us long term than the pain itself.
My own mantra is ‘this too shall pass’. Acknowledge pain and sadness, let your own emotional mechanisms work through the problem, but know that you will be happy again. Simply allowing the emotion to declare it’s presence is an important first step, and it’s one that should not be denied or hidden in embarrassment.
Ruby Rynne´s last blog ..How To Write For Blogs – Part One
Dear Ruby,
What insightful and thought-provoking comments. Your point that the disconnect is more harmful than the pain is accurate from my perspective. Disconnection means we are not participating in a meaningful way and are cut off from the possibility of joy and happiness.
I love your mantra – this too shall pass. It seems that “it” passes more quickly when embraced and then we can be truly present to move forward – connected, if you will.
So nice to have your visit and insights.
Warm regards,
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..Fall In Love With Your Body Now: Part IV
Thanks for your article
You’re quite welcome – thank you for visiting!
Warm regards,
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..The Truth Of A Lie