How To Cope With Loneliness

A reader suggested I write about loneliness and made a profound observation:  Loneliness can occur both in a relationship and when living solo. Have you had the experience of being lonely when in a relationship? Are you living alone and feeling the pangs of loneliness nipping at your heels?

Loneliness is a complex emotion and part of the human condition.  Interestingly, as my reader pointed out, loneliness occurs both within and outside of relationship.

Loneliness Is Not Dependent Upon Your Circumstances

Loneliness seems to be part of our experience of being human.  After all, when it comes right down to it, we are alone in our own skin.  While we may use all sorts of diversions to escape this fact, it is a reality that we are bound to notice at some point.

Some are better able to cope with aloneness and may not often feel lonely.  There is a difference between aloneness and loneliness.   Aloneness can provide a time for replenishment and renewal.  It can feed the soul.

In its extreme, it can become a hiding place for those who are too fearful to take a risk on love and relationship.

Loneliness, on the other hand, is accompanied by a feeling of emptiness and despair.  It can feel excruciatingly painful.  Especially if you don’t have a strong support system.

The Worst – Feeling Alone In A Relationship

Personally, I think the worst feeling is being with someone in a romantic partnership and feeling alone. We partner in order to relate.  I remember years ago as a young person being in a relationship and feeling very alone.

It became most evident in bed when my partner was snoring away in bliss while I lay there thinking how unsatisfying the whole thing felt.   I felt trapped, but at the time didn’t realize that I had the power to change my life.

Being with someone and feeling alone is a terrible feeling. Maybe you’ve had this experience.  Somehow we hope that being with someone means we will never feel alone.  Not so.  Loneliness is an internal state and another person can’t “cure” it for you.

If we don’t learn to connect in meaningful ways, a “deadness” sets in. This seems to be the exception rather than the rule – inertia is the status quo.  Look at a child and you will see aliveness.  Curiosity, openness, excitement for life.

Leading a remarkable life means stepping out of your comfort zone and being willing to engage in an authentic way. Authenticity requires courage.  To be real in who you are and  in your truth in any given moment is a practice that requires just that – practice.  And balance.

The Source Of Loneliness Is The Same

In relationship or alone, the source of loneliness is the same:  disconnection. Connection implies engagement – being open and engaged in life! Connection means being fully present in whatever life presents to you in any given moment.

I often say that a great life is comprised of a series of great moments.  You may lose your way from time to time and lose your sense of vitality and aliveness in the process.

During those times you become blinded and don’t realize that you have shut down from fully engaging in life.  The thing is, you may not notice this and before you know it,  you have lost years of your life.  A “deadened” existence kind of creeps up on you.

It seems that something from the outside is causing you pain and depression (a sure sign of losing your self).   Yet, always, it is from the inside out that we become deadened. Our outer world reflects our inner state.

We can only be present and connected to our partner to the degree we are connected to our own self. And this is why the source of loneliness is the same, whether in or out of relationship. 

We blame our partner and it has nothing to do with our partner. Our partner is a reflection of the value we place on our self.

So, once again we come back full circle to the foundation of relationship – our relationship to our selves.  There is a saying that if you are looking for a lover you must be the person you’d always hoped existed!

Transitions

Transition periods (such as separation or divorce) are often times when we get thrown full-force into feelings of loneliness.  Your routine gets disrupted.  Even though the relationship may not have been deeply satisfying, it was familiar and familiar can feel comforting.

If you’ve spent years being together, it can be disarming and depressing to suddenly find yourself truly alone, no warm snoring body next to you. .

A separation can be a window of opportunity for transformation, but in the beginning it can feel excruciatingly painful. You lose your bearings and become disoriented.   You no longer know who you are.  You are accustomed to defining yourself by the relationship.  What to do?

Connection Is The Remedy for Loneliness

Love abounds.  Possibility for connection to ourselves, to others, to life itself, is ALWAYS available.  The question becomes are you available?

Whether in relationship or alone, the remedy to loneliness is connection.

As many of you know I was recently at Esalen and one thing I love about the community at Esalen is the degree of connection that is present.  People look you in the eyes when they speak with you.

Real dialogue and conversations with depth and sharing occur.  People explore and engage.  Hugs are ample.  Gentle confrontation happens.  Smiles abound.  Tears are shed.  Dance spontaneously breaks out.  Healing happens.  Nature nurtures.  Aloneness is honored.  Community is available.

This is the magic that is Esalen.  Our souls long for connection, as well as individuality and freedom.  Balance.

A Way Out by Moving Through

1).   You may have heard the saying “The only way out is through”.    Sit with your aloneness and enter into it.  Engage with it.  Learn from it.  Let it teach you. Let it speak to you.  Feel the void inside. Be with it.

2).  Connect with Yourself.  Try something new.  Do internal work.   Join a therapy or process group.  Have bodywork – it helps you integrate. Journal, write, dance, play music. 

The purpose isn’t to “distract” yourself from your feelings, but rather to enter more fully into your self and engage more deeply. Honor yourself.  Honor your process.  Trust your process.  Trust yourself. You are your best expert. The answers you seek are within.

By nurturing and connecting with yourself you will love yourself more and will be able to engage with others in a more open, loving way.

3).  Connect With Others.  Love is not a limited commodity!  If you want love you need to BE love – give love. Take risks.  Find ways to give love.  Love is energy. There is no LACK of love.  Love is a flow, a give and take.  Be mindful and discriminating.  Be aware of appropriate relationship and timing.

Don’t isolate.  Isolation is one of the most damaging things you can do to yourself.  It is a sign of depression.

Participate in life! Don’t judge where you’re at or compare it to others.  Don’t listen to people who tell you you should be further along than you are.

Participate.  As you do, slowly but surely you will make the steady climb out of loneliness into a life of fullness and aliveness.  Your cup will runneth over.  Love will find its way into your life.  And your alone times will be as lovely as a warm fireplace and a cup of hot tea in the dead of winter.

I’d love to hear your personal experiences of loneliness and aloneness and what you’ve found to be a “remedy” for the lonely moments in your life.

Be well and may you experience the best of love – and life – moment by moment.

Photo by: Kr. B.