The Happy Face Syndrome: Are You Caught In The Trap?

We’re experiencing an epidemic in our culture.  I’ve noticed it on Twitter,Facebook, blogs, and just about everywhere  I look.  I’ve come to call it The Happy Face Syndrome. Have you noticed it?  Are you caught up?

Everywhere you look you see platitudes about being POSITIVE and don’t get me wrong, it has its place.

I especially love Abraham-Hicks’ processes and they have changed my life.  They address that you have inner guidance, suggest you trust it, and teach you how to use your emotions as your guide. Abraham-Hicks shows you how to “move up the emotional scale”, and indicates  you can gradually shift how you feel and bring yourself to a more joy-filled state -  and it works.  Learning to guide yourself into a better feeling place. Yea!  Count me in.

Putting A Happy Face Sticker On An Empty Gas Tank Doesn’t Fill The Tank

They also make a powerful point; though, one I think is worth considering:  Putting a happy face sticker on an empty gas tank doesn’t put gas in your tank.

In other words, if you feel sad, you feel sad.

All the affirmations in the world won’t change that.  Only a change in emotion will.  And that takes time.  It’s a process.  Feeling sad at times is about as normal as it gets.  While it may not feel pleasant, sometimes we need to sit with our sadness for awhile.

No Room For Sadness:  What Is The Price We Pay?

When did sad become the latest “sin” and what is the price we pay?

The Price:

1) You Deny A Human Quality

Sad is part of being human.

I’ll give you an example.  We humans form bonds with others because we attach.  Attachment is a powerful thing.   Inevitably, the person whom we love leaves or dies. How do we feel then?  Sad, hurt, angry.  All those messy feelings we wish would go away and the sooner the better.

If we have some “skills” for living a full life, we eventually recover enough to cycle back around to a happy place.

But, and here’s the point I want you to hear, you need to sit with the sadness (or whatever the emotion) if you want to move forward in a healthy way.

Denying these feelings exist is not good for your emotional, mental, or physical health. It’s normal to feel sad when you experience a loss. Let me repeat this and wrap your lovin’ arms around it:  It’s normal to feel sad when you experience a loss.

We feel loss because we are capable of loving.  Being incapable of experiencing attachment is not a good thing.  In fact, working in prisons and with the courts for a long time as a forensic psychologist, I can tell you good things do not come from the inability to attach to and form bonds with others.

Loss is the price we pay for our ability to love. It’s part of the package.  Hearts are vulnerable, unless you’ve closed your heart to life and love.  And that’s not a fun place to be.  The pain of loss lets us know we’re alive and intact.  It’s as significant as the joy and ecstasy we experience that results from adoring our loved ones.  They walk hand in hand, this joy and sorrow.   See Kahil Gibran’s poem about sorrow and joy:  Check out my post Let’s Be Positive Unless We’re Not.

2)  You Carry Baggage

If you don’t allow yourself feelings of sadness or anger, you cannot heal and move forward.  You may eventually move forward, but you will be carrying “baggage” with you. And if you keep doing it every time something happens in your life, you’ll be dragging a pretty large suitcase of “baggage” wherever your go.  In the process you lose the ability to deeply connect with yourself and others in a real way. The burden you’re then carrying is that in your attempt to protect yourself (such a well-meaning response), you lose yourself.

3)  You Become Inauthentic

A major problem with The Happy Face Syndrome is you begin to feel embarrassed or as if there’s something wrong with you if you don’t “put on a happy face”. How often have you had someone say to you “smile”.  I don’t know about you, but although I smile often I’m not a smile on demand type of person.  And to do this to someone in tremendous emotional pain is demeaning and disregarding, although it’s often well-intentioned.

If you’re experiencing a major loss in your life, you may try to hide your sadness because you don’t find support for your feelings.  People generally are uncomfortable with sadness.  It brings up our vulnerability and the recognition that we, too, may suffer a loss.

Our culture’s love affair with a happy face and positivity is not leaving a lot of room for authenticity. Yet, if we lose our authentic self, who we really are, what have we?  We’ve lost ourselves.

What to do?  It puts you in a bind.  You feel sad and everywhere you look you’re hearing you need to be “positive”.  How about being YOU in a given moment?  Embracing what is true for you and being real about it?

The more you have to go into “hiding”, the less real connection you have with others.  You may find yourself spiraling downward even further because you begin to feel very alone.

Naturally we wish to be mindful about where we share our sadness and grief.  But, we need a safe landing place for it.

4)  You Feel Isolated and Alone

You may begin to feel confused and “lost”.   You feel lost because how you feel and what you’re told you “should” feel are very different. You feel lost because you don’t have the support you need.

Our culture has never been big on allowing grief, as evidenced by the attitude that you are expected to be able to lose your partner of 50 years and basically be “fine” within a few months. This expectation is outrageous and damaging.

Add to the mix our recent love affair with happiness and, well, you think about the pressure that creates.

Isolation is a major sign of depression and  a clue that something is going very “wrong”.

Have you ever noticed that when you feel really “down” you tend to withdraw? It can be healthy to withdraw briefly, to reflect, regroup, or just have time to sit with your feelings.  Withdrawing too far or for too long, though, leaves you  isolated.  The more isolated you become,  the more depressed you become.  This is the cycle that can easily turn into a major depression.  It can be dangerous.

Stages Of Grief

If you have experienced a loss, there are normal stages of grief that you are likely to experience. Video: A Child’s Experience of The Stages of Grief.

Being familiar with these stages helps you put things in perspective.  Although painful, you can recognize that there will be a day when you’ll feel like smiling again. As you can imagine, and have probably experienced, sadness is a part of your healing process.

If you’ve pushed back your grief, don’t be discouraged.  It’s our knee-jerk reaction.  Everyone has their own timing of when they’re ready to face grief. It can feel overwhelming and our body and soul somehow shelter us until we can face the pain.

The support of friends, family, and therapy can help.

Have You Been Caught In The Happy Face Syndrome?

Your not happy face doesn’t have to be due to an extreme loss. You might just be having a “bad hair day“.

• Do you allow yourself to have these moments?

• Are you caught in the Happy Face Syndrome trap?

• Do you feel guilty to show anything other than your happy face to the world?  Even to yourself?

I’d love to have you share your personal experiences regarding your happy and sad face moments.

In the meantime, be well, and may you experience the best relationships ever.

Photo courtesy of .faramarz